So there I was, a thirty-something divorced mother of three, living in a state more than 2,000 miles away from my immediate family. What now? I was stuck. I moved out of the marital home and into a small apartment. The options left to me were minimal. The Ex and I had agreed to share custody of the kids. Our divorce was final in a matter of 4 months! He was able to obtain and attorney while I wasn't. Looking back, I would've handled things differently. We would've mediated everything. Right down to the very last dust bunny! ;) But hind sight is always 20/20.
So, anyway, I digress...2 months after I moved out and he filed for divorce, I lost my job. It was ROUGH! Extremely rough! Thankfully, even though we hadn't gone through the court system yet, he had already started to pay child support. It is literally what got me through for the next few months. Eventually, it wasn't enough.
I'm about to say something and I don't want any of you to take this the wrong way. It's my own personal demon that I had to battle within me and after going through it, I'm grateful that the system is there. Once I hit rock bottom and realized that I no longer had a job, nor was I successful at finding a job right away, believe me I tried, I had to consider other avenues. I considered surrogacy, selling my plasma, selling personal property, anything but what my mom suggested.....welfare. I know what you're thinking...what's wrong with welfare? I didn't want the stereotype attached to me because I had to get help for me and my kids. But fact of the matter is, I needed it! Desperately! So, I applied.
The amount of Child support that I was getting from the ex was too much to get any substantial support from the state for housing. The only thing that they were willing to provide was Food Stamps and insurance coverage for the kids. I took it. They needed to eat and God forbid anything happened to them medically. As it turned out, 7 months later, my daughter needed to have her tonsils taken out. Without that insurance, it would've cost a fortune. I thank God everyday that I had that coverage. It was my saving grace when I needed it.
I'm sure there are those people out there that are like I used to be. I used to think that people on welfare are just lazy and just use the system because they can; its easy. But take it from a mother who was at her lowest point and had nowhere to go; I needed help, the help was there, I'm grateful it was. If it weren't for my own mother urging me to use the system, I wouldn't have. I don't know what I would have done, but I do know that I wouldn't have applied for Welfare. I view the welfare system with different glasses nowadays.
With the help of a friend, child support and the state, the kids and I were able to survive for 10 long months during which I was unemployed. It was gruesome. I don't wish it on my worst enemy. I know there are people out there that battle those types of conditions everyday, especially in today's current economical conditions. To those individuals, I wish you the best. I hope that some day you find your saving grace and you are able to crawl out of the unfortunate hole you have found yourself in. To my Special Friend and team of Angels that helped me during my difficult situation, Thank you for everything. Your love and support meant so much and really helped me in more ways than you could possibly know. I love you all so much!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
....and so it ends...
As the kids grew older and started going to school I found myself wanting to do more. I wanted to work. I had actually worked a couple of jobs over the years but for various reasons, those jobs didn't pan out. Either they weren't conducive with his work schedule, he worked sales; or they weren't conducive with his sports schedules, he played on three softball leagues and played wallyball too. On occasion, he was known to visit the local watering hole after work for some refreshments with colleagues or friends to relieve the stresses of the tough life that he led. It was clear, to me at least, that the kids and I just didn't matter to him anymore. That's how I felt anyway.
The youngest of our children was getting ready to start 1st grade. That meant that he'd be at school for a full day! Yay! :) Through a family friend I found a full time job working retail. I loved it right away. The hours were somewhat flexible. The hours that I needed someone to watch the kids, I had a few moms in the neighborhood that were willing to step in and grab the kids off the bus til we could make it home. It was great. Within the first 3 months on the job, I had been promoted 3 times. I had made a ton of friends and get this....I lost some weight. Who wouldn't love that, right!? I was looking great. I felt great! I was making my own money, yet something still wasn't right. I still didn't have very much freedom. It was all very...I don't know quite how to explain it.
Anyway, my husband had won a trip from work for two to the Caribbean. We went in January. We had a good time, or so I thought. In reality, we were on two very separate vacations. He was very much into partying and wanting to hit every bar on the resort and ready to get drunk as soon as we were done with breakfast. Me, on the other hand, I wanted to lay on the beach, read my book, soak up the rays, and relax. I wanted to ENJOY my quiet time. If I wanted to sit on the beach, he would get upset. If I wanted to take a nap in the afternoon, he would get upset. He was constantly drinking and ready to go for anything. I can honestly say that we never did hit any of the nightclubs at the resort. He just drank himself into such a frenzy that by the end of the day, he was to far gone and would inevitably find himself passed out just after dinner. I would just lay there and read my book. ;)
While in paradise, something in my awakened. Do I really want to be this person that babysits the alcoholic? Haven't I been doing this for the last 11 years already? Isn't it time for me to do something for me? I thought long and hard about these questions. When am I going to be the one that gets noticed? Yes, I have children. Yes, they come first. But what happens when their needs are met? Who comes next in line? Why do I always have to be last? I'm tired of being last. I decided it was time to put my foot down and stand up for myself and that is exactly what I did.
There was a course of events that took place throughout the next few months that I will leave out to protect parties involved. What happened next, he filed for divorce.
Was I surprised? Yes and no. Was I upset? Yes and no. The only question left to answer was....now what?
The youngest of our children was getting ready to start 1st grade. That meant that he'd be at school for a full day! Yay! :) Through a family friend I found a full time job working retail. I loved it right away. The hours were somewhat flexible. The hours that I needed someone to watch the kids, I had a few moms in the neighborhood that were willing to step in and grab the kids off the bus til we could make it home. It was great. Within the first 3 months on the job, I had been promoted 3 times. I had made a ton of friends and get this....I lost some weight. Who wouldn't love that, right!? I was looking great. I felt great! I was making my own money, yet something still wasn't right. I still didn't have very much freedom. It was all very...I don't know quite how to explain it.
Anyway, my husband had won a trip from work for two to the Caribbean. We went in January. We had a good time, or so I thought. In reality, we were on two very separate vacations. He was very much into partying and wanting to hit every bar on the resort and ready to get drunk as soon as we were done with breakfast. Me, on the other hand, I wanted to lay on the beach, read my book, soak up the rays, and relax. I wanted to ENJOY my quiet time. If I wanted to sit on the beach, he would get upset. If I wanted to take a nap in the afternoon, he would get upset. He was constantly drinking and ready to go for anything. I can honestly say that we never did hit any of the nightclubs at the resort. He just drank himself into such a frenzy that by the end of the day, he was to far gone and would inevitably find himself passed out just after dinner. I would just lay there and read my book. ;)
While in paradise, something in my awakened. Do I really want to be this person that babysits the alcoholic? Haven't I been doing this for the last 11 years already? Isn't it time for me to do something for me? I thought long and hard about these questions. When am I going to be the one that gets noticed? Yes, I have children. Yes, they come first. But what happens when their needs are met? Who comes next in line? Why do I always have to be last? I'm tired of being last. I decided it was time to put my foot down and stand up for myself and that is exactly what I did.
There was a course of events that took place throughout the next few months that I will leave out to protect parties involved. What happened next, he filed for divorce.
Was I surprised? Yes and no. Was I upset? Yes and no. The only question left to answer was....now what?
Monday, November 8, 2010
The Beginning of the End...
Life in the Midwest hasn't always been easy. Growing up I had a huge family with all the trials and tribulations that came with one. At every family function, whether it was holidays or birthdays, we had a huge celebration. Now that I was in the Midwest, I missed all of that. I had a made a decision to move 2,000 miles away from the only family that I had ever known and now I had to live with that decision.
It was extremely difficult at first. But eventually, it got easier. My new family had an incredibly large group of friends that were basically considered extended family members. They were all wonderful people and I am now proud to say that they were played an intricate part in making the Midwest home for me.
Throughout the years, I learned that life as a stay-at-home mom is very difficult. Don't get me wrong, I loved every minute that I had with my children. But there has got to be something said about the state of imprisonment that we mothers sometimes feel if we aren't allowed an outlet. There comes a point when getting out without your children is extremely important. I mean, it's not everyday in the adult world that you can tell your adult friend, "Be right back, I have to go potty." Who does that? I'll tell you who....stay-at-home moms and dads that's who. We spend all day around children and have virtually NO adult contact. That's how it was for me.
I didn't notice it at first, but little by little, as the kids got older and were gone for longer periods in the day, I began to notice the lack of respect and appreciation for what I did day in and day out.
My husband would come home to a clean house with dinner cooking and because I was in Pjs still or comfy clothes, he would get upset with me and pick a fight. He'd yell at me with a "WTF did you do all day?" He almost always overlooked the fact that the house was clean and dinner was cooking or ready. It didn't matter that the kids were well taken care of and that homework was already done. It didn't matter that on top of the housework and cooking, that I also may have taken care of the yardwork that was overgrown. I was a scapegoat for his anger and frustration for a bad day in sales. It sucks, but it's the cold hard truth.
That was the beginning of the end. Little by little, it got worse. The arguments became more frequent over less trivial things. It was ridiculous.
During my time at home, I also took time to obtain my college degree via online courses. Every ounce of my Montgomery GI Bill that we received each month went into the household budget and not toward my education as it was meant to be used. Now I sit with $40K + in student loans because of it. It's almost like he felt he was entitled to that money since I wasn't working. At least, that's how I see it now that I'm looking back.
Speaking of looking back, I wonder if he looks back even now and wonders what he could've done differently...I guess I'll never know, now do I want to.
It was extremely difficult at first. But eventually, it got easier. My new family had an incredibly large group of friends that were basically considered extended family members. They were all wonderful people and I am now proud to say that they were played an intricate part in making the Midwest home for me.
Throughout the years, I learned that life as a stay-at-home mom is very difficult. Don't get me wrong, I loved every minute that I had with my children. But there has got to be something said about the state of imprisonment that we mothers sometimes feel if we aren't allowed an outlet. There comes a point when getting out without your children is extremely important. I mean, it's not everyday in the adult world that you can tell your adult friend, "Be right back, I have to go potty." Who does that? I'll tell you who....stay-at-home moms and dads that's who. We spend all day around children and have virtually NO adult contact. That's how it was for me.
I didn't notice it at first, but little by little, as the kids got older and were gone for longer periods in the day, I began to notice the lack of respect and appreciation for what I did day in and day out.
My husband would come home to a clean house with dinner cooking and because I was in Pjs still or comfy clothes, he would get upset with me and pick a fight. He'd yell at me with a "WTF did you do all day?" He almost always overlooked the fact that the house was clean and dinner was cooking or ready. It didn't matter that the kids were well taken care of and that homework was already done. It didn't matter that on top of the housework and cooking, that I also may have taken care of the yardwork that was overgrown. I was a scapegoat for his anger and frustration for a bad day in sales. It sucks, but it's the cold hard truth.
That was the beginning of the end. Little by little, it got worse. The arguments became more frequent over less trivial things. It was ridiculous.
During my time at home, I also took time to obtain my college degree via online courses. Every ounce of my Montgomery GI Bill that we received each month went into the household budget and not toward my education as it was meant to be used. Now I sit with $40K + in student loans because of it. It's almost like he felt he was entitled to that money since I wasn't working. At least, that's how I see it now that I'm looking back.
Speaking of looking back, I wonder if he looks back even now and wonders what he could've done differently...I guess I'll never know, now do I want to.
Friday, November 5, 2010
In the beginning....
I never thought that I would ever be divorced and fighting for the right to see my children. I never, for even a second, thought this would be how I was supposed to watch my children grow and see them, or not see them, go through the most difficult and most influential years of their childhood...but here I sit, alone.
In the beginning, I wasn't even planning on having a child right away. When it happened, I welcomed the opportunity. I was ready. I instantly wanted desperately to be a mother. There were those that supported me, and those that didn't. But in the end, I know deep down that I made the right decision.
My first born was brought into this world in 1996. I was 21, married, had a career, and I was now a Mom. Nothing could have prepared me for the road that lay ahead. The first two years of his life were fairly uneventful. The only downfall, was that I was a working Mom. I didn't get to spend the immense amount of time that I wanted to with my son. But he didn't suffer from it. He is a wonderful man, well....almost; he's only 14, let's not rush things.
In 1998, my husband and I brought a beautiful princess into this world. She was definitely her mother's daughter. She refused to let anyone else hold her but her mom. That's my girl. In mid 1998, we made a major move. We left behind everything we had known for the last 2 years and headed to my husband's hometown. It was unlike anything that I had ever seen. I had never before experienced a complete change of seasons and I was absolutely in love. I was 2,000 miles away from my family and I was OK.
I was living the life. I had a husband, who adored me, and worked his tail off so that I didn't have to. I was afforded the opportunity to stay home with my children. It was great. Though I missed the first 2 years of my son's life, I more than made up for them in the next 8 years.
In 1999, we welcomed another son into our family. What a difference between the two boys, in both personality and looks. Each of the kids are different in their own way, and I love them all the same. They are absolutely my pride, joy and reason for existing. Our youngest son added to our family in a way I never thought possible. He always seems to have a smile on his face.
For the next 8 years, I spent a lot of precious time with my children. I went on school field trips, went to all parent-teacher conferences, helped out in classrooms and with sporting events. Attended all practices and games. They were my life in every way.
Through the years, my relationship with my husband began to change. Little by little at first, and then drastically. Little did I know, that change would forever alter our lives.
In the beginning, I wasn't even planning on having a child right away. When it happened, I welcomed the opportunity. I was ready. I instantly wanted desperately to be a mother. There were those that supported me, and those that didn't. But in the end, I know deep down that I made the right decision.
My first born was brought into this world in 1996. I was 21, married, had a career, and I was now a Mom. Nothing could have prepared me for the road that lay ahead. The first two years of his life were fairly uneventful. The only downfall, was that I was a working Mom. I didn't get to spend the immense amount of time that I wanted to with my son. But he didn't suffer from it. He is a wonderful man, well....almost; he's only 14, let's not rush things.
In 1998, my husband and I brought a beautiful princess into this world. She was definitely her mother's daughter. She refused to let anyone else hold her but her mom. That's my girl. In mid 1998, we made a major move. We left behind everything we had known for the last 2 years and headed to my husband's hometown. It was unlike anything that I had ever seen. I had never before experienced a complete change of seasons and I was absolutely in love. I was 2,000 miles away from my family and I was OK.
I was living the life. I had a husband, who adored me, and worked his tail off so that I didn't have to. I was afforded the opportunity to stay home with my children. It was great. Though I missed the first 2 years of my son's life, I more than made up for them in the next 8 years.
In 1999, we welcomed another son into our family. What a difference between the two boys, in both personality and looks. Each of the kids are different in their own way, and I love them all the same. They are absolutely my pride, joy and reason for existing. Our youngest son added to our family in a way I never thought possible. He always seems to have a smile on his face.
For the next 8 years, I spent a lot of precious time with my children. I went on school field trips, went to all parent-teacher conferences, helped out in classrooms and with sporting events. Attended all practices and games. They were my life in every way.
Through the years, my relationship with my husband began to change. Little by little at first, and then drastically. Little did I know, that change would forever alter our lives.
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