So there I was, a thirty-something divorced mother of three, living in a state more than 2,000 miles away from my immediate family. What now? I was stuck. I moved out of the marital home and into a small apartment. The options left to me were minimal. The Ex and I had agreed to share custody of the kids. Our divorce was final in a matter of 4 months! He was able to obtain and attorney while I wasn't. Looking back, I would've handled things differently. We would've mediated everything. Right down to the very last dust bunny! ;) But hind sight is always 20/20.
So, anyway, I digress...2 months after I moved out and he filed for divorce, I lost my job. It was ROUGH! Extremely rough! Thankfully, even though we hadn't gone through the court system yet, he had already started to pay child support. It is literally what got me through for the next few months. Eventually, it wasn't enough.
I'm about to say something and I don't want any of you to take this the wrong way. It's my own personal demon that I had to battle within me and after going through it, I'm grateful that the system is there. Once I hit rock bottom and realized that I no longer had a job, nor was I successful at finding a job right away, believe me I tried, I had to consider other avenues. I considered surrogacy, selling my plasma, selling personal property, anything but what my mom suggested.....welfare. I know what you're thinking...what's wrong with welfare? I didn't want the stereotype attached to me because I had to get help for me and my kids. But fact of the matter is, I needed it! Desperately! So, I applied.
The amount of Child support that I was getting from the ex was too much to get any substantial support from the state for housing. The only thing that they were willing to provide was Food Stamps and insurance coverage for the kids. I took it. They needed to eat and God forbid anything happened to them medically. As it turned out, 7 months later, my daughter needed to have her tonsils taken out. Without that insurance, it would've cost a fortune. I thank God everyday that I had that coverage. It was my saving grace when I needed it.
I'm sure there are those people out there that are like I used to be. I used to think that people on welfare are just lazy and just use the system because they can; its easy. But take it from a mother who was at her lowest point and had nowhere to go; I needed help, the help was there, I'm grateful it was. If it weren't for my own mother urging me to use the system, I wouldn't have. I don't know what I would have done, but I do know that I wouldn't have applied for Welfare. I view the welfare system with different glasses nowadays.
With the help of a friend, child support and the state, the kids and I were able to survive for 10 long months during which I was unemployed. It was gruesome. I don't wish it on my worst enemy. I know there are people out there that battle those types of conditions everyday, especially in today's current economical conditions. To those individuals, I wish you the best. I hope that some day you find your saving grace and you are able to crawl out of the unfortunate hole you have found yourself in. To my Special Friend and team of Angels that helped me during my difficult situation, Thank you for everything. Your love and support meant so much and really helped me in more ways than you could possibly know. I love you all so much!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
....and so it ends...
As the kids grew older and started going to school I found myself wanting to do more. I wanted to work. I had actually worked a couple of jobs over the years but for various reasons, those jobs didn't pan out. Either they weren't conducive with his work schedule, he worked sales; or they weren't conducive with his sports schedules, he played on three softball leagues and played wallyball too. On occasion, he was known to visit the local watering hole after work for some refreshments with colleagues or friends to relieve the stresses of the tough life that he led. It was clear, to me at least, that the kids and I just didn't matter to him anymore. That's how I felt anyway.
The youngest of our children was getting ready to start 1st grade. That meant that he'd be at school for a full day! Yay! :) Through a family friend I found a full time job working retail. I loved it right away. The hours were somewhat flexible. The hours that I needed someone to watch the kids, I had a few moms in the neighborhood that were willing to step in and grab the kids off the bus til we could make it home. It was great. Within the first 3 months on the job, I had been promoted 3 times. I had made a ton of friends and get this....I lost some weight. Who wouldn't love that, right!? I was looking great. I felt great! I was making my own money, yet something still wasn't right. I still didn't have very much freedom. It was all very...I don't know quite how to explain it.
Anyway, my husband had won a trip from work for two to the Caribbean. We went in January. We had a good time, or so I thought. In reality, we were on two very separate vacations. He was very much into partying and wanting to hit every bar on the resort and ready to get drunk as soon as we were done with breakfast. Me, on the other hand, I wanted to lay on the beach, read my book, soak up the rays, and relax. I wanted to ENJOY my quiet time. If I wanted to sit on the beach, he would get upset. If I wanted to take a nap in the afternoon, he would get upset. He was constantly drinking and ready to go for anything. I can honestly say that we never did hit any of the nightclubs at the resort. He just drank himself into such a frenzy that by the end of the day, he was to far gone and would inevitably find himself passed out just after dinner. I would just lay there and read my book. ;)
While in paradise, something in my awakened. Do I really want to be this person that babysits the alcoholic? Haven't I been doing this for the last 11 years already? Isn't it time for me to do something for me? I thought long and hard about these questions. When am I going to be the one that gets noticed? Yes, I have children. Yes, they come first. But what happens when their needs are met? Who comes next in line? Why do I always have to be last? I'm tired of being last. I decided it was time to put my foot down and stand up for myself and that is exactly what I did.
There was a course of events that took place throughout the next few months that I will leave out to protect parties involved. What happened next, he filed for divorce.
Was I surprised? Yes and no. Was I upset? Yes and no. The only question left to answer was....now what?
The youngest of our children was getting ready to start 1st grade. That meant that he'd be at school for a full day! Yay! :) Through a family friend I found a full time job working retail. I loved it right away. The hours were somewhat flexible. The hours that I needed someone to watch the kids, I had a few moms in the neighborhood that were willing to step in and grab the kids off the bus til we could make it home. It was great. Within the first 3 months on the job, I had been promoted 3 times. I had made a ton of friends and get this....I lost some weight. Who wouldn't love that, right!? I was looking great. I felt great! I was making my own money, yet something still wasn't right. I still didn't have very much freedom. It was all very...I don't know quite how to explain it.
Anyway, my husband had won a trip from work for two to the Caribbean. We went in January. We had a good time, or so I thought. In reality, we were on two very separate vacations. He was very much into partying and wanting to hit every bar on the resort and ready to get drunk as soon as we were done with breakfast. Me, on the other hand, I wanted to lay on the beach, read my book, soak up the rays, and relax. I wanted to ENJOY my quiet time. If I wanted to sit on the beach, he would get upset. If I wanted to take a nap in the afternoon, he would get upset. He was constantly drinking and ready to go for anything. I can honestly say that we never did hit any of the nightclubs at the resort. He just drank himself into such a frenzy that by the end of the day, he was to far gone and would inevitably find himself passed out just after dinner. I would just lay there and read my book. ;)
While in paradise, something in my awakened. Do I really want to be this person that babysits the alcoholic? Haven't I been doing this for the last 11 years already? Isn't it time for me to do something for me? I thought long and hard about these questions. When am I going to be the one that gets noticed? Yes, I have children. Yes, they come first. But what happens when their needs are met? Who comes next in line? Why do I always have to be last? I'm tired of being last. I decided it was time to put my foot down and stand up for myself and that is exactly what I did.
There was a course of events that took place throughout the next few months that I will leave out to protect parties involved. What happened next, he filed for divorce.
Was I surprised? Yes and no. Was I upset? Yes and no. The only question left to answer was....now what?
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